41 Signs You're a Jaded Metro Detroiter

Following a post of 41 Signs You're A Jaded San Franciscan, I've had a thought on what Metro Detroiters are jaded about. So, here we go!

1) You get upset at the sight of someone throwing away a pop can

Since 1978, Michigan has had the highest deposit value on returnables. As much as the iconic Seinfeld episode where Kramer tries to return cans bought in New York in Michigan, the state's 10¢ return is well known. However, Michiganders are well engrained in knowing pop/beer bottles and cans have a cash value on it, watching someone out of state throw away a can is a wrong. With this, the State of Michigan reports that since 1990, the average redemption rate is 97%; higher than any other state with cash deposit value.

2) You know party stores DO carry party supplies. All in the form of alcohol

For as long as most people can remember, the term Party Store has been used in Michigan for a liquor store. Even chain stores such as 7-Eleven fall under this name.

3) American and Canadian coins have the same value and usage.

With the exception of the Loonie and the Two-nie, Canadian coins can be found in the pocket of most Detroiters. With the exception of vending machines, these coins can be used the same as American currency with no questions asked.

4) You don't have a problem with a Michigan Left, but dread the thought of navigating through a roundabout.

A unique feature found in Metro Detroit since the 1960's is the Michigan Left (left photo). While most people don't have an issue with this, it's a tell-tale way to identify an out of towner. Some other states are attempting to use the Michigan Left to help alleviate traffic issues, but have had trouble as many drivers find it confusing. But as time goes on, MDOT has found Roundabouts to be a seemingly effective traffic control. However, deployment of some roundabouts (right photo) has left drivers confused, frustrated, and finding new routes, despite the state planning to add more.

5) You know the back ways to get anywhere due to construction.

This video pretty much sums it up.

6) You don't get the fuss about Chicago Style or New York Style pizza

Unique to the Detroit area is Detroit Style pizza. With it's pan fried dough, deep sauce, and toppings galore, Detroiters get an amazing experience with local greats Buddy's Pizza, Hungry Howie's, and the now national chain Domino's.

7) 40° differences in the weather from day to day are a sign of spring.

Michigan weather is crazier than Ted Nugent. Michiganders never really put away winter or summer clothes except in the closet for a few weeks.

8) You call all of the freeways by either number only, or by name.

Within the Metro Detroit area, all of the freeways are named. All of them. And with the freeway system in the area, ownership varies from the county level to the national level, and they all seem to cross. But unique to Michigan, is not identifying ownership of the road. So, instead of saying "Take I-696 to I-96 to US-23 to M-59" it's just "Take the Reuther to 96 to 23 and get off at 59." While the number method may not seem like a problem, it's easy to confuse US-23 with 23 Mile Rd.

9) You've gone years without drinking "mainstream" pop

Definitely a regional thing, and not an ICP thing. Detroit is the home of both Faygo and Vernor's. Two unique brands which are not found far outside of the Great Lakes Area, if not Michigan itself.
The oldest pop in the country, Vernor's was (like many great things) an accident in it's creation. It's unique sweet taste and extremely high carbonation makes it a heavy favorite over Canada Dry and other ginger ales. Unless you grew up drinking this, it's very difficult to drink it without having a coughing fit.
106 years later, Faygo still celebrates strong popularity in Michigan, and holds a very strong identity with Detroit. Found in every flavor imaginable, Faygo has a strong popularity in the Detroit area for being only 99¢ for a 24 ounce bottle, and great to mix with drinks.

10) You know taking an international trip doesn't require an airport

 

For most Detroiters, going into Canada is less of a hassle than going to Florida for vacation. This includes former Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick who stated "I went to Canada, not a foreign country". 

The hardest part is determining whether to take the tunnel or the Ambassador Bridge.

11) When traveling, you are confused that Dairy Queen is open more than eight months out of the year.

Until recently, it was not uncommon for all Dairy Queen locations to be closed from November to March. The reason? Winter, duh.

12) You avoid Southfield Freeway when it rains.

Even after the major restoration project which fouled up Southfield between Ford Rd and 696, they still haven't figured out how to drain it when it rains.

13) You consider the tram at Metro Airport "public transportation"

When the new McNamara terminal was built, the length of the airport was apparently a hindrance to some passengers, so the tram which spans the entire length of terminal A was built. However, with Detroit's poor record of public transportation, this joins the Detroit People Mover as one of the few reliable forms of Detroit's public transportation.

14) In the spring, you find 50° to break out the t-shirt and shorts.

After six months of winter, anything more than 28° is considered "warm weather".

15) You understand why the term "mother nature" is appropriate.

There's a saying in Michigan: If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes. This is true. One day can have rain, snow, hail, and sun, all while having a 30° temperature shift from one extreme to the other. This is proof enough that mother nature must be menstruating like a mother fucker!

16) When someone tells you to "go to Hell" you reply back with "I was there last weekend, and traffic on 23 sucked!"

No, seriously. Nestled to the north of Ann Arbor, is the quaint village of Hell. A favorite of everyone (because of the name), Hell offers some amazing ice cream, and a great bar to boot. Fortunately, there's not a lawyer to be found in the village, but one can be found in Pinckney.

17) You don't understand why people NEED all-wheel-drive/four-wheel-drive south of Indianapolis.

Michigan is no stranger to snow, although the past few winters have been quite lackluster. Though with the various road commissions high attention to the roads during the winter, good driving skills take over. While it's not uncommon to see trucks and SUV's with AWD/4WD running around Detroit, only about 10% of cars registered in the metro area have AWD.

18) You get defensive when people bad mouth Detroit.

While Detroit isn't the most beautiful or economically successful major city in the US, Detroit has a unique characteristic that isn't found elsewhere: Most residents in the metro area identify with being from Detroit. Not a certain neighborhood, or a certain town, but take pride in identifying with Detroit. It even comes to a point where deciding on whether or not Michigan Central Station should be torn down becomes emotionally charged.

19) Lafayette vs. American

The biggest fight in Detroit isn't choosing Michigan or Michigan State, but choosing Lafayette or American. For 96 years, these two establishments have stood next to each other on Lafayette Ave. being home to the Coney Dog. While each restaurant has their own special recipe, enemies can be quickly created if there is a difference between favorite coney dog. While coney islands are found throughout the metro area, Lafayette and American only serve four things: Coney Dogs, Chili Fries, Pop, and Beer; surviving since 1917 on those alone.

20) In your mind, Detroit expands well outside of Wayne County.

 

Going as far west as Wixom, as far north as Auburn Hills, and as far south as Woodhaven, this can all be considered a part of "Detroit" to all locals. It just varies from the "good parts" to the "bad parts"

21) Seriously, you don't know the speed limit on 696.

It's common knowledge in the area there are two speeds on the Reuther Freeway: Autobahn and Parking Lot. 696 has the highest average speed outside of rush hour over every other freeway in the state. While the average speed is down to 78 mph, it's not uncommon to be doing 90 mph while being passed with a majority of traffic.

21) You're really happy when the Lions have a 2-14 season.

In 2008, the Detroit Lions set an NFL record with a 0-16 season. No other team has ever done that bad. And while it may seem like the 0-16 season may have been a fluke, it's not. The Lions haven't made it to the Super Bowl since before there was a Super Bowl. So, if the Lions manage to win more than one game per season, we get happy.


22) When traveling to another major city, you get confused and upset that you can't get any food you want.

On a visit in 2009, Anthony Bourdain said "Detroit, oddly enough, even while looking the jaws of death straight in the face, remains closest to being a true culinary wonderland." And this is true. Nowhere in the rest of the United States can you get Arabic food, Italian food, Greek food, Chinese food, Polish food, Mexican food, etc. all within the same city. And I'm not talking about some fast food joint. We're talking real food, usually from immigrants or the descendants of immigrants who came to Detroit.


23) You've eaten a Paczki. You know what a Paczki is. You ignore the number of calories in a Pazcki. You know when to get to Hamtramck to get real Paczki.

 While the people in New Orleans are preparing for a day of killing their liver, the people of Detroit are flocking to Hamtramck (A small city within the borders of Detroit, originally home to many Polish immigrants) to get their hands on some Paczki. Fat Tuesday is a major holiday in Detroit, with stores being packed with the little 25 grams of fat, fried dough, jelly filled marvels. Flavors include Bavarian Cream, Lemon, Prune, Strawberry, and Cherry, but Detroiters know to skip Meijer, tell the boss you're coming in late, and head to Little Poland for some artery clogging goodness.

24) You're upset when you have to get Starbucks.

Michigan is in a unique position when it comes to coffee. Especially where Biggby (formerly Beaner's), Carabou Coffee and Tim Horton's outnumber the Starbucks locations. Go to Beaner's, get a Caramel Butter Bear. Aside from sounding slightly dirty, it's really good.

25) You know Detroit as the home of great music.

When it comes to Detroit and music, there's no other name more well known than Motown. Setup in a house on West Grand Blvd.,  Motown was putting out more number one hits than any other record label during that time. The unique sound flooded all over the world, even despite the president of EMI Records (Motown's distributor in England) who said Motown would never catch on in England because the tambourine was too loud. Incorporating the sounds of The Funk Brothers and the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, the sound of Motown is everywhere to be found, and never copied.
However, Detroit is also home to two other formats which often get overlooked: Electronica and hip-hop. Detroit is home to the largest Electronic Music Festival in the United States, recognizing the city as the home of techno music this side of the Atlantic. Hip-hop/rap is also highly regarded in the city. Aside from large acts like Eminem and Insane Clown Posse, Detroit has it's own unique style of underground rap which the city holds in high regards.

26) You can spot someone from out of town based on their pronunciations of Cadieux, Schoenherr, and Gratiot.

As Detroit is known as a melting pot of all heritages, many of the street names have come from French and German. However, being the Americans that we are, we've slaughtered the names. Horrifically. Instead of the correct French pronounciation of Cadieux, it's pronounced "cad-jyoo". Instead of the German pronounciation of Schoenherr, it's pronounced "shay-ner".
Side note: Yes, Exit 69 is Big Beaver Rd in Troy, MI.

27) You still try to find a car salesman who can fly.

Being in the motor city, Detroit has always been a battleground for the dealerships. So, who wouldn't trust a guy in a cape selling used cars? Just remember, you can go to a competing dealer, but they can't fly either! And this isn't the only example. Detroiters can still remember that "Me and Dawg want you to go to Telegraph Road" and know the voice of "Don Massey, for Don Massey Cadillac. I-275 and Ann Arbor Rd. in Plymouth"

28) You don't understand why a passport is required to go to Windsor, but not Ann Arbor

Ann Arbor. Home to the University of Michigan, and oft quoted as being "25 square miles surrounded by reality". Despite being the home to 43,000 students from all around the world, most Ann Arbor residents seemingly thumb their noses at anyone who is not from the city or shares their ideals. Aside from being a pain in the ass to navigate, Ann Arbor is an impressive city for it's focus on arts and culture, but the majority of the residents need to get off their high horses and come back to reality.

29) You don't have a problem driving through Detroit, but loathe having to go to Flint

Unlike Detroit, the entirety of Flint's economy was based on the numerous GM plants which helped sculpt the landscape of the city. However, once GM started shipping work to Mexico and Canada, plants like Buick City (above) shut down, and thousands of Flint residents were unemployed. For a number of years, Flint has been considered more dangerous than Detroit.

30) You hate Michael Moore

Since producing "Roger and Me" in the late 1980's, Michigander's have strong feelings against Michael Moore. Several admitting that "Canadian Bacon" has been the greatest film he's done which he's actually claimed as fiction.

31) You want to teach Journey the geography of Detroit.

Just a city boy. Born and raised in South Detroit. Er... what? There is no such thing as South Detroit. The only things south of Detroit are the Detroit River, and Windsor. But, that really doesn't have the same ring to it.

32) You can name at least three "ambulance chaser" attorneys.

 

 Just like every major city, Detroit is no stranger to the attorneys which seem to be on TV, billboards, and in front of the camera every chance they get. The only issue is, they don't go away. In the case of the Bernsteins, they keep multiplying. I want to see the day they all get in a suit against each other.

33) You miss Dick Purtan - And his mustache.

A radio legend in the Metro area, Dick Purtan served as Detroit's funnyman for 45 years. Jumping around from Keener 13 to CKLW and all the way to WOMC until his retirement, Purtan's clean humor and general zany antics provided a comedic morning show the whole family could enjoy. 

34) Everything was named after someone, even if it wasn't.

Michigan has a unique oddity with it's accent, whether we want to admit we have one or not. Places are always named after someone, whether they actually are or not. Michiganders have a tendency to add possessiveness to places. For example: instead of saying, I went to Meijer, it would be "I went to Meijer's" One theory of this harkens to the 1920's when Ford was the major employer in the metro area. People would say "I work for Ford's" showing that Henry Ford was the owner of the company. This continued on to other places, and Michiganders still add possessiveness to places.

35) You immediately associate Octopus with Hockey.

Aside from the Lions, Detroit has a great history of major league sports. And when it comes to hockey, the Red Wings reign supreme. While many theories are around connecting the Octopus to the Red Wings, many agree it's great fun to watch someone hurl an octopus onto the ice during a home game.

36) You have a hard time understanding distance in miles

Despite having the roads numbered from 5 Mile all the way up to 37 Mile, measuring distance in miles is practically useless. Instead, using the universal measurement of minutes is a lot easier and more accurate. For example: Traveling Brighton to Dearborn is about 45 minutes. Travelling Royal Oak to Dearborn is about 35 minutes. Despite the two cities being drastically further apart, the time takes into account for traffic, stop lights, and random guys on the corner trying to sell socks. (Okay, the socks thing is Chicago). In addition, the proximity to Canada also strengthens this methodology of measurement.

37) You don't find the "Gaylor Focker" joke in "Meet The Parents" that funny.

It's not that Detroiters are smarter than other people. Hell, with a 25% graduation rate in the Detroit Public Schools, it's definitely not the case. The issue comes up that there's a vacation town in the northern part of the state named Gaylord, to the point Michiganders are conditioned to associate Gaylord with a town, not a silly joke.

38) It's still Pine Knob

In a time where corporate sponsorship seems to be at an all time high, it seems the only hold out in the Detroit area (and in major league sports overall) is the Palace of Auburn Hills. But regardless of DTE's corporate sponsorship of the DTE Energy Music Theater, to anyone who grew up in the Metro Detroit area, it's still Pine Knob.

39) If you can't walk there, you have to drive.

Detroit is the motor city. Everyone knows that. But in the motor city, if you don't have a car, you're not going anywhere. Well, you're not going anywhere in a decent amount of time. Detroit has one of the worst public transportation situations in the country. There is the Detroit People Mover which is great if you want to park at Greektown for an event at Cobo, Joe Louis, or the Ren Cen, but other than that, depending on DDOT or SMART is a joke. You have a better chance of getting the clap from a nun, than getting to where you need to be on time taking DDOT or SMART.

40) You see Janice from The Muppets every time you see a billboard for Joumana Kayrouz

The picture above. Enough said. 

41) There's a need to fix Detroit, just give us time.

Rome wasn't built in a day. But just like Rome, Detroit didn't get to where it is now in just a day. Fortunately, the residents are getting fed up with corrupt politicians, and are taking change into their own hands. Hopefully soon, Detroit will return as one of the crown jewels of America's great cities. 

All photos are property of their respective owners.

Weapon of Math Destruction

It was while I was listening to the Tom Lehrer song "New Math" it struck me that I'm not the only person who sucks at math, and it's not entirely the individuals fault.

Now, for an engineer to say he sucks at math may come to a fright, but a look back into my K-12 and beyond mathematics came to an interesting discovery which many Americans born after 1950 can associate with in some way shape or form.

Starting back in 1992 in Hartland, Michigan which is *points at his hand* there, I started my foray into elementary mathematics. Or as people used to call it: arithmetic. The simple stuff. What is 2+4? What is 9÷3? What is 7x8? Something that most elementary students encountered thousands of times a day across the country. Each question had a specific answer. Six, two, and fifty-six respectively.

Even going into upper elementary school, that odd year the school district decided to shift everyone around, we lead into algebra. Discovering what a function y=x looks like, and how to solve 2x+3=x-1 and basic equations like that.

Then something changed in Middle School. The days of going to a 40 year old building were gone. Hell, the days of basic math were gone too, but something was different about this, and it came in the form of a Michigan Education Association/Michigan Department of Education letter. This letter was sent to parents to inform their child was going to be in a pilot program in learning a new style of math as a part of a study of the NCTM (National Council of Teachers of Mathematics) standards. It didn't take in all students, but a decent chunk. With this, would come a new textbook series which was extremely similar to the now infamous "Focus on Algebra"after it was strongly shamed by Sen. Robert Byrd

There were two massive issues with this change.
     1: It relied on students having the books from the start, not jumping into a program.
     2: The books were horrible.

And I don't mean horrible like the "Twilight" series, but pretty close.

These books were a nightmare from day one. Unlike any book I had in my entire K-12 career was that it was paper back. Yeah, that's brilliant. Trust a bunch of twelve year olds with paper back books. Wait, what? The school didn't get enough so we have to share the books with the other classes by leaving them in the classroom? So about that homework that we're not doing out of the book.

And that was only the start. Aside from the numerous grammatical errors, the questions had no bearing on math. What do my feelings about what qualifies a species as endangered have anything to do with the quadratic equation? (Which I didn't learn until college, and I'll get into later). And even worse, due to not having a textbook at home and this being considered "New Math: The Sequel" by my parents who didn't understand it, doing homework was frustrating and often resulted in someone crying.

After two years, I believe the program was considered a failure, as my brother who was going into 7th grade as I was going into high school was going back to using the textbooks they had put into storage.

So, September 2001. A freshman in high school, and just like everyone else, required to take a math placement test. Myself, just like everyone else who took the State of Michigan's pilot program scored just barely over a 6th grade level which warranted us a minimum of two-years in Core-Plus Math. Formerly "Conceptual Mathematics", Core-Plus carried on a similar presentation to what I got in 7th and 8th grade, but a bit more math intense. "Bit" being the key word there.

While I knew I would need to know math outside of high school, I stuck in the math program for all four years of high school, and for some reason I still remember the '97 Mitsubishi Diamante MSRP was $26,995. The book used that as a reference in the problems a LOT.

Now here's the issue: By the time my senior year rolled around, I had pulled C's and B's in math all 24 marking periods of my high school career. I thought I was doing good until I took my college math placement test and got put into elementary algebra. That's right. The math class I would have had in my freshman year had I not been stuck with the failure program in middle school.

As a side note, Andover High School and Lasher High School (about 40 mins away from Hartland) had been using Core-Plus math only 2 years before Hartland. A professor at Western Michigan Univ. surveyed many students who went through the Core Plus program to end up being placed in remedial math classes in college, and drastically behind their peers who were in traditional math.

So now college. A place where Core-Plus math and shitty State pilot programs don't exist. And I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. And it wasn't until my 2nd attempt of Calculus III that I realized I still have no clue what any of this means other than letters on a chalkboard which I will never use professionally. (Or at least I don't think I will - I still can't get an answer from a professor on when this will actually be applicable.)

Going from one extreme to another is about the worst thing that anyone in an educational facility can do for someone who went through an "alternative" mathematics program.

So, to Hartland Consolidated Schools, the State of Michigan, Oakland University, and all those "professionals" who worked on this New-New Math... Thank you for repelling more people from math. And on a more personal note: Fuck you guys! As former Director of the Office of Management and Budget said: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." You guys have successfully lost me out of math. For the sake of all children, go back to traditional mathematics for all grades. Do not attempt to change it, and for the love of God, learn from your lessons. We do not need to hear about a New Math 3.0 in the schools.

Detroit isn't a nerdy city?

Just recently, an article was featured on movoto.com stating the top ten nerdiest cities in America.

Following Furry Connection North in Novi, Michigan, I started to think about how "nerdy" Detroit is, and what it would take in order to get on this list.

Here's what Movoto looked at to determine this list:

• Number of annual comic book, video game, anime, and sci-fi / fantasy conventions
• People per comic book store
• People per video game store
• People per traditional gaming store
• People per computer store
• People per bookstore
• People per LARPing group
• People per science museum
• Distance to the nearest Renaissance faire

So, for Detroit proper, this would pretty much be down to Youmacon, the Michigan Science Center, and 53 miles from Campus Martius to the Ren Fest.

However, expanding to the recognized metropolitan Detroit area, these numbers drastically change.

The number of conventions expand to include: Go!Daiko Con, Motor City Comic Con, Furry Convention North, Detroit FanFare, The Steampunk Convention, and a large number in the Novi/Wixom area and the Dearborn area.

The number of comic book stores in practically nil within Detroit, but expanded to Royal Oak/Ferndale/Clawson, Novi/Wixom/Farmington, Dearborn/Dearborn Heights and even if Ann Arbor is counted, the number of comic book stores are surprisingly high in the metro area.

People per video game store. Can we say GameStop? There seems to be two in every city.

People per traditional gaming store. I have to admit, I'm not really sure what this means outside of that board game store in 12 Oaks.

People per bookstore. This is something which has changed drastically with the closing of Ann Arbor's own Borders. But even with A2 being the home of a major bookstore chain, the metro area is still home to some of the oldest independently owned bookstores in America.

Michigan is 3rd, behind California and Texas (respectively), in LARPing groups. Appropriately, the Metro Detroit region ranks Los Angeles County, Metro San Diego, and Metro Houston, but still ranks
among the top five.

Science museum is too specific when it comes to defining museums. The Henry Ford Museum is one of the first museums that comes to mind when it comes to Detroit Museums, but since it's listed as a historical museum, their nerdy displays aren't counted.

Michigan is blessed to have one of the top five Renaissance Festivals in the country. With annual attendance well over 200,000, the Michigan Renaissance Festival is up in the running to compete with the larger festivals in Texas, Minnesota, and Maryland.

So, given these thoughts, is Detroit proper a nerdy town? Oh hell to the no. But, for those of you who claim Detroit citizenship while travelling, you could possibly be living in the nerdiest metropolitan region in the counry.

Super Bowl Commercial Reviews

Yesterday marked the biggest day for commercials in the United States: The Super Bowl.

At the average cost of $4 million for a 30-second spot, advertisers spent over $285 million combined.

But, enough of the chit chat, it's time to get reviewing.

The following review are in order from best to worst, in my opinion.

Volkswagen - Get In. Get Happy. (A+)
Trying to beat last year's success with the Vader Kid, Volkswagen had to come up with another comedic ad to keep up. Swing and a home run for the VW team! Despite the controversy before the commercial even showed, the Minnesotan with the Jamaican accent was amazing. For some reason, whenever a white guy does any type of black accent, it's funny. Unless they're doing it to look tough. (See most downriver citizens, or anyone who frequents the Gibraltar Trade Center). The comedic value, plus the point they were getting across was perfect: Drive a Volkswagen, feel happy. Also, that Mr. Jim make wicked coffee!

Oreo - Whisper Fight (A+)
There's always something to following the rules at a library, particularly to be respectful to the others in the library. But there's something funny about taking it too far. I mean, really far. But it's completely understandable. Just like the fight between Lafayette and American, the decision between creme and cookie goes just as far. Though, it gets extended to the point of ridiculous funny when the fight gets way out of hand and the cops get involved to the point of whispering over the megaphone. C'mon, this is a library!

Budweiser - Brotherhood (A)
Turn up the "D'awww..." factor. It's been a while since Budweiser used the clydesdales in their commercials, but this one was definitely one to tug at the heartstrings. And while this didn't directly sell Budweiser directly, the association between the iconic Clydesdale and Budweiser is like baseball and, well, Budweiser. The addition of asking people to name their next colt is an effective way to get people onto their website. (My vote is for Harry Caray, for obvious reasons)

Jeep/USO - America Will Be Whole Again (A)
One of the more serious commercials in the Super Bowl, the message came from an unsurprising source. Throughout American history, there hasn't been a more liberating vehicle than the Jeep. True, Jeep hasn't been the same since the days of Willy's or AMC, but change can be good. But regardless of your political positions on the various military operations the US is currently engaged in, getting our men and women home is an operation everyone can get around.

Tide - Miracle Stain (A-)
Featuring the stain of the best 49ers player to not be featured in this Super Bowl, even though I was rooting for him anyways, can always be used for a good laugh. As silly as it is when a Hispanic maid finds Jesus in a grilled cheese, this commercial shows how far many people will go to see the 'validity' of found images, it also shows how much a rivalry can effect people. Proving the power of PineSol Tide, by taking out the image of Joe Montana and the eventual closure of Montanaland, can return things back to normal.

Doritos - Goat 4 Sale (A-)
Anyone who has ever owned a goat can attest to the constant chewing noise. And if you're up close, that chewing noise can get annoying quite quickly. While the idea of feeding a goat isn't one I'd like to entertain, the addition of the screaming is great for the comedic value. While this was a great commercial, this isn't the first time Doritos has used revengeful animals in their ad campaigns.

Hyundai Canada - Gaspocalypse (B+)
Reminiscent of Mad Max, Hyundai Canada is pushing the fuel efficiency of Sonata Hybrid to the same premise of the post-apocalyptic films: gas is a scarce commodity. One of the better Hyundai commercials, this is enjoyable and I wouldn't mind watching it as a normal commercial. The message is clear: better gas mileage means you can go farther, and apparently you'll be a nicer guy. Though one thing did strike me as odd, why did Hyundai Canada push this commercial on an American network? (I know the reason, it just seems odd)

M&M's - Love Ballad (B+)
The unmistakeable voice of Billy West who also uses the same voice for Phillip J. Fry belting out Meatloaf's hit "I Will Do Anything For Love" to explain his new love (from previous M&M commercials) how "he won't do that" or that, or that, even though he likes it. There's something about the usage of Billy West as the dopey Red which just seems right, and the voice is recognizable as Red. And it's even better to imagine the commercial with Fry instead of Red.

Lincoln Motor Company - Phoenix (B)
When this commercial started, I needed a new pair of pants. Ooooooh.... that Town Car! Sadly, the Panther platform is extinct, and Lincoln's future starts with the newly re-designed Lincoln MKZ. One of the only luxury car commercials, this commercial pushed it's message, unfortunately it wasn't clearly received. We're looking at a brand new Lincoln. Not only as a re-named company, but new products which will hopefully extend the life of Lincoln.

Samsung Mobile - The Next Big Thing (B)
Actually, this goes for both of the Samsung commercials. Both creative and funny. The first of the two (the longer one featuring LeBron James) was an amazing poke of fun towards everyone. Jabbing at everything from using talking babies (E*Trade) or using social media to help create your ad (Lincoln), it just made it funny.

The second of the two poked fun at all of the trademarks associated with creating an ad for The Super Bowl El Plato Grande, and the game between the San Francisco Fifty-Minus-Ones and the Baltimore Blackbirds. The word play definitely made this one funny.

Doritos - Fashonista Daddy (B)
This is definitely the commercial for those who have young girls or have ever had to watch young girls. If you play tea party or dress up with them, you're their best friend; but God help you if one of your friends ever sees one of these events. Though bribery works in all fashions, even towards daddy's tough friends. The cute factor was definitely turned up to a point even the football hollerin' dad's could understand.

Kia - Space Babies (B-)
Everyone has the theory we were told when we were younger about where babies came from. This was probably one of the most imaginative stories to add to the pile. Kia's ability to graphically pursue this not only catches everyone's childhood, but also cranks up the "D'aww..." factor with baby animals. But, what does everyone remember about this ad? Not the Kia it was advertising.

Audi - Prom (B-)
If you went to High School in Southeastern Michigan, there was one school you hated because they were all douche bags. When this commercial came one, all I could think of was "man, that must be a Brother Rice family" because nowhere else would a father let his son take out his brand new Audi. Though, the message I pulled out of this was: if you need to compensate for something, then an Audi is your automobile.

Coca-Cola - Cameras (B-)
An actually pretty decent commercial, but only one thing would have made it better: The use of "I Want To Buy The World A Coke" instead of "Live A Little Bit". It wouldn't have made it an A+ commercial, but it would have helped. This was just... average and seemed too much like a normal Coke commercial.

cars.com - Wolf (B-)
Another commercial to induce the "D'aww..." factor with a simply adorable wolf pup. But the people at cars.com must not have bought a car in the past 10 years, because it's still as much of a pain in the ass as it's always been.

Ram Trucks - Farmer (C+)
I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of crap for this, but this Ram Trucks commercial was not effective nor was it original. For example, head to the video on YouTube, you'll see two things in the comments section. 1) People are still calling it Dodge. 2) People are fighting about the validity of God.

The speech given by Paul Harvey in this video was originally given 35 years ago at an FFA convention. For many years, segments which were very similar to this commercial were aired monthly on USFR, and even frighteningly similar to a farms.com video which was uploaded to YouTube in 2011, both with the same speech playing in the background.

Though people forget that Paul Harvey gave this speech in 1978. A time where Monsanto and Cargill weren't buying up family farms (as much), and undercutting contracts which ended up closing and shuttering multi-generational farms for corporate greed.

Hyundai - Team (C+)
Not a bad commercial, but when it aired, it started to make people say "They're advertising the Santa Fe again?". But you can't blame that for a bad commercial. But it reminded me too much of The Goonies to make a valid point. I was just waiting for the fat kid to do the Truffle Shuffle the entire commercial.

Milk Producers - The Rock in Morning Run (C)
While this still doesn't have the effect of the "Got Milk?" ads from the 1990's, it's still a really fun ad. However, quite farfetched. I have never seen anyone in that dire of a need of a gallon of milk to run after a milk truck. Heck, I haven't seen a milk truck in ages. If this was a real family, it'd be more like "Dad, we're out of milk!" "Damn... All right. I'll run to Meijer after work." Though, if edited, this could work great for a daily ad for the Milk Producers.

Taco Bell - Grande Papi (C)
One of two commercials for Taco Bell, this was the better of the two. Using "Big Papa" in Spanish as the background music, it all came together nicely, even promoting the Cantina Steak Burrito appropriately as the "Big Papa" of burritos.

Calvin Klein - Concept (C)
Two obvious target audiences on this one. Watch the commercial and you'll be able to make your own review on this one.

Kia - Hotbots (C)
Fresh off the heels of NAIAS, this reminded me of the people working at the Kia booth who seemed to have nothing better to do than stand around and stare at the people looking at the cars. But, car enthusiasts connect all too well with this commercial. When someone touches/kicks the tires of your car, you just want to kick them back. Though the whole point of the fembots seemed to be a little extraneous without the explanation of the technology used within Kia vehicles.

Hyundai - Stuck (C)
If this commercial shows anything, it shows you can speed to get around vehicles no person would every drive (except maybe near the Mexican border). Though this will definitely be remembered as that Hyundai with the turbo.

Bud Light - Journey (C-)
Not exactly a bad commercial, just took too long to start. The interesting integration of the less popular religious aspects of New Orleans and Stevie Wonder. It shows the dedication and superstition some sports fans will go to 'ensure' a team win.

Century 21 - Mini Mart (D+)
Yet another commercial which took that extremely high road into bizzaro land. The utter ridiculous point that this commercial attempts to make tries way too hard, but makes the point.

Taco Bell - Viva Young (D)
A commercial which had all the ingredients to be funny and great, and ruined by the wrong song. It's not like it could have been a bad song, but using a Spanish version of "We Are Young" over-muddles the what could be good and fun out of this commercial. But entertaining the fact that senior citizens are going out and acting like the twenty-somethings typically found in Taco Bell commercials is quite funny.

Mercedes-Benz - Soul (D)
Willem Dafoe making an appearance as the devil is about the best part of this commercial. Simliar to Audi's Prom commercial, this again makes it seem like buying the CLA will make you the best person ever. Ugh.

Bud Light - Lucky Chair (D)
Back to the Journey commercial, this one pushes the VooDoo found in the bayou, except back to a point which is... wait... does this commercial have a point?

Budweiser Black Crown - Coronation (D)
So, Budweiser is making yet another beer. Hopefully they'll actually get it right. But based on this commercial, they're focusing on the Stella Artois douche bag crowd. Though, there's just enough mystery behind this commercial to actually have people go out and try this new beer. Hopefully they'll be able to hit the magic mark to actually make beer.

Budweiser Black Crown - Celebration (D-)
Similar to the Coronation commercial, but managed to talk less about the beer and talk more about nothing.

Lincoln - Once Upon A Tweet (D-)
This commercial had failure written all over it since inception. Dear Lincoln: Jimmy Fallon is NOT funny. No mentioning the car, or Lincoln itself made the whole advertising effort a waste. Although, it seemed like a better commercial for Twitter.

Pizza Hut - Hut Hut Hut (D-)
Yes Pizza Hut, we know all about Pizza and sports. But you haven't been relevant since about 1998, and repeating the "hut" doesn't help make you relevant.

Coca-Cola - Mirage (D-)
Cowboys, Oil Sheiks, and not cross-dressers? I'm sorry Coke, but when I saw that silver bus roll up, I was desperately hoping for a "Priscilla: Queen of the Desert" reference, but apparently someone pussy'd out and decided to put showgirls in the bus. Not to mention, having commercial watchers go to your website to watch the "rest of the story" is lame.

Wonderful Pistachios - Get Crackin' (D-)
It's official. Gangnam Style is dead. That parody was like a knife in the ears. However, the dirty puns prevented it from receiving a failing grade.

Hyundai - Epic Play Date (D-)
Apparently I'm just not the target audience because this thing didn't make any sense. The only thing that looked fun was taking the Santa Fe offroading.

Sketchers - GOrun2 Man vs. Cheetah (F)
Recycled from either Nike or Reebok a few years back (I can't remember which), Sketchers promises its new shoes will make you run faster. But, redoing someone elses commercial is gauche, and adding poor CGI doesn't help at all.

Best Buy - Ask Amy (F)
Just like Saturday Night Live in the 90's, this commercial relies on cheap laughs to be remotely funny. Or, it could be I'm not in the target demographic of desperate women. Or, it could be the fact that Amy Poehler just isn't that funny. Maybe it should have been retried with Tina Fey.

Toyota - Wish Granted (F)
The only wish I had at the end of that was to get that bit of time back. The whole commercial to show you guys removed the rear mounted spare tire? The one that actually looked good in that commercial and is the design keystone of the Rav4? Congrats Toyota. You are now making people think that the Rav4 no longer comes with a spare tire.

Axe - Lifeguard (F)
Axe. Please stop doing commercials. That's all.

Gildan - Getaway (F)
Congrats Gildan. You're worse than Coke on offending the whole "making viewers visit your website" bull. This should never happen.

Subway - FebruANY (F)
As if it seemed like Subway couldn't make up any more words, here comes the most unpronounceable word since "Mahna Mahna Phenomenon". It's just getting to the point where it seems like Subway is hawking all of it's subs at $5 for a foot-long for some stupid named promotional month.

Godaddy.com - Kiss (F-)
Does anyone else need a lobotomy?